Why Empathy in Children is Crucial to Adults

This post feels unfinished and that is the intentions as this conversation is ongoing and vital. Please enjoy and know there is more discussion coming.

I was reading the book Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman and I had an epiphany. I finally understand on a deeper level why so many adult men come to therapy because their partner is unhappy or their marriage is falling apart and it literally stems from not learning empathy as a child. I am using men as a reference in this however this does apply to all human beings of any race, ethnicity or gender.

Let me begin to explain my thought process, strap in.. I might blow your mind.

When a newborn cries we immediately jump to action, are you hungry, cold, wet, tired etc. We as caregivers are empathetically attuning to our child's needs and that child feels seen and heard, they feel cared for and loved. Let me explain quick... "Empathetically Attuning" is when you can actually feel what the other person is feeling, you can actually put yourself in their shoes and recognize their hurt, their joy, their sorrow etc. Sympathy is what most men have, they can say "dam Bill that sucks" or "yea I bet that is sad man" but to really acknowledge someone's pain or anger, that is different, it is deeper, it is empathy.

Back to the story, then this child ages and they begin to crawl, pull themselves up onto things and walk. They begin to fall and bump their head and they cry. The adult looks at the child and goes no no no, don't cry! ahhh its so funny! ha ha ha you bumped your head! That child feels confused because you as the parent are no longer providing them with empathy, you are no longer understanding/attuning to their pain, their fear. We as adults are teaching our children to suppress their emotions of sadness, fear, hurt from literal birth. We are teaching them their pain doesn't matter, laugh it off, rub some dirt on it! My sadness bothers you, my crying bothers you so I must hold it in, I must not show it because it is a problem that we must laugh off, rub off...

Huh do we see how this is a problem? We wonder why that man in our life, that husband we love so dearly is incapable of seeing we are upset, he can't understand why we are mad at him for missing dinner again or forgetting our anniversary or not holding us when we are sad and giving us soothing words and touch. We are frustrated at his lack of nurturing abilities towards your children and you can't understand why he isn't more vulnerable... he has no empathy because he literally has no understanding of what it is.

So how can we respond instead? How can we begin to change this? For parent who still have young children, newborns or are about to give birth or are planning for the future this is for you. The child bumps his head and begins to cry and we say "oh I know, that was so scary wasn't it, that really hurt didn't it" "gosh that loud noise was scary" "oh I know you are so sad that your toy was taken away but it is not safe to play with that". We are explaining the feeling to the child, we are acknowledging the emotion they are experiencing with words and also nonverbal communication because our facial expressions match what we are saying, our tone of voice is lower and softer. Children understand non-verbals for years and they literally survive on them until they begin to talk for the first time and form sentences so our non-verbals help us empathetically attune with others but we have to provide them and match them with the current situation. Women are naturally more attuned to non-verbals because they have to understand what a nonverbal infant needs, what does that cry mean, what does that pinched nose mean, oh they are trying to pass gas or they need to be fed etc. Women can read people's faces so well but men lack this and why?? Where does this disconnection begin? Why do we feel that little boys can be treated more aggressively or passively? We want to make them "tough" so we rob them of their innate desire to be empathetically attuned to those around them.

Children can express empathy at such a young age. Think of the baby who slaps you and pulls your hair and then one day you say OUCH that hurts! and instead of continuing to pull your hair, they look at you and maybe start to cry or they looked shocked and try to console you. This is a huge milestone in your child learning empathy, they are learning that there is someone else in this world other than them. They gain insight into the fact that their actions can and do impact others.

So what about the adult who is reading this now and wondering how they change this, "how do I build empathy Kelsie". It begins with starting to acknowledge the core emotions. When I say anger, what you feeling in your body maybe it is clenched fists, a tight jaw. When I say sadness, do you feel your chest tighten, your eyes cloud, when I say embarrassment do you feel it in your chest or gut. We must look at ourselves first in order to see others. We must become friendly with the vocabulary of emotions. Anger, Joy, Sadness, Fear, Disgust, Anxiety, Boredom, Envy, Embarrassment... I suggest watching the movies Inside Out and Inside Out 2 for a a bit of comical relief to the understanding of emotions and how they can live inside of us. When we have an emotion arise inside of us, it is helpful to express it to a loved one and tell them what triggered the emotion and what is happening for you. My boss denied my time off request so I can't make it to our daughter's dance recital and I feel this burning sensation in my ears and my jaw hurts from clenches, this is anger and I want to yell and tell him off. The person across from you would provide empathy for you by saying dam that is awful! I can't believe that, maybe they also clench their teeth or ball up their fists because its so ridiculous and frustrating. You begin to notice that this person is acknowledging your anger and you feel seen and heard. You have just experienced empathetic attunement.