Parenting Needs an Update

Suicide is the second leading cause of death in children ages 10-14. Bullying in person and online, children using substances in school with endless vape pen suspensions. Our children are crying out for attention and yet I don't seem notice anyone pointing the finger back to the the parent and the home. We are blaming social media (parent's allowed this), public school (parents allowed this), principals and teachers and other parents etc.... Hmmm. We must get to the root cause and that is square one of conception to birth and that begins with parents. Parenting needs an update. "What to Expect When You are Expecting" needs a refresh.

I wrote my thesis paper on how spanking impacts childhood attachment which led me to countless research papers stating that 80% of American parents still spank their children despite knowing it is harmful. This had me asking the question of "how primal is spanking"? Spanking can be the immediate reaction we use to startle our child into a daze which stops the actions they are doing which lends to the primal instinct however, there is a shift where spanking is no longer primal and it is simply a planned punishment. Primal turns violent. This planned punishment is what we are finding to be as the current parenting model for decades now however it is known to cause behavioral and emotional problems in children due to the rupture in attachment from their secure caregiver. Children who are punished instead of securely attached through consistent boundaries often display ADHD in school, they are medicated again not addressing the cause for the "problem". We see ODD (operant defiant disorder) thrown around when children are again being abused and neglected at home but they are medicated and punished.

Attachment is the parenting model that doesn't seem to be mainstream enough from what I have observed in my therapy sessions over the last 21 months and counting as an Attachment-Based therapist. To be clear, my observation has bias because my observations have been limited to a small population in Montana with a clientele that is predominately caucasian, heterosexual and straight. This doesn't lend much assessment into other racial demographics nor does it give me much insight into other cultural norms so basically I am saying that my research is limited AND personal but also glaring to me as a therapist. That research of mine says that I can pinpoint in every adult client of mine what their childhood was like based on their current symptomatology when they come to my office. Lack of attachment in childhood results in the slew of DSM diagnosis we see thrown out today.

Adult clients ages 26-50 who I see that are experiencing anxiety and avoidance of conflict with the "people-pleasing" tendancy that seems to be crippling their current relationships have had a childhood where their parents said "go to your room!" "because I said so!" "no, don't ask me again!". They were never allowed to be upset with their parents, when they were angry they were punished with spanking or the time out. They didn't have a parent get on their eye level, grab their hands and take 5 deep breaths with them to co-regulate, they didn't have a parent explain the "why" behind the no. Empathetic attunement gets lost when parent's patience run thin and they are too tired to regulate so they snap. Parents seem to be unaccepting that their child could be mad at them or upset because the child doesn't agree with their punishment or the parent's decision.

A question that always gets a shock face from clients is "how did your parents respond to you being disappointed in them?" woahhhhh... us kids could NEVER tell our parents we were disappointed, we could never tell them we don't agree with their parenting because how dare we talk back! "I put a roof over your head so you better listen to me and do what I say!" These comments that fly out of the mouths of parents can be the rupture. Words are hurtful but nonverbal communication speaks volumes as well. Children are so attune to the adults around them, tone, lack of eye contact, refusing to say I love you or have a good day, these cause guilt and shame in children. It is something that small that causes a child to lose trust in their parent so they begin to shut down, they hide what is happening at school, they sneak out, they lie and become rebellious which further gets them punished and distance grows between child and parent until eventually that child becomes an adult who is in therapy to learn how to manage their addiction, their anger, their anxiety, their avoidance and people-pleasing ways while also learning what family estrangement is.

So what can we do different? Parents can be curious. They can remind themselves that their child is a unique individual with his/her/their own set of DNA. They are not meant to be mini-yous. They aren't meant to be just like their sibling(s). They respond differently to every situation so get to know this child, this preteen, this angsty teenager and young adult. Curiosity is asking questions versus giving commands. Parents love to command. Now this can be necessary for a young child's survival. Parents go from teaching their children surviving to show them what is thriving. Thriving is where parents often lack because they stay stuck in survival mode. Thriving is giving your child space to make mistakes without punishment and judgement, it is allowing them autonomy to speak their inner desires and intrusive thoughts without you trying to "fix" or "tell" them what to do or what is right vs wrong. Children turn into adults who need to make their own life choices so critical thinking skills and problem solving are essential... so parents, be curious not condemning.

Reflection is a powerful tool. You may be asking or I hope you are asking, how can I as a parent begin to change this in my home, in my future? I personally reflect back as to what I wished I had at that age. I ask my clients to reflect back on their childhood and ask what they needed or what they wished they had heard or experienced differently. I wish I had a parent who explained to me the reason behind their no. I wish they had the patience to deal with my questioning everything I was experiencing in the world but also knew how to kindly ask me to take a break if they were feeling overwhelmed versus shunning me to my room or outside to be alone with my emotions and thoughts that were too big for my undeveloped brain to handle.

I wish I had a parent that asked me why I lied or why I chose to hide from them or sneak out or keep secrets and actually be willing to humble themselves on the truth of my existence as a child when I told them how disappointed I was with them. Parents are exhausted. They have been for decades with working 8-5, then going to after school activities and then making dinner late or grabbing fast food just to rush home for homework, baths and bedtime before they start the day again and still find time for laundy, grocery shopping, lawn care etc. Parents are tired and emotionally drained because they were also not taught how to properly regulate themselves because they were also raised the same way they are raising their kids now. The cycle continues...

Asking questions is truly one of the most loving things that we can do for one another and being curious about your child's existence and asking how your child views the world is so important! What does your child think of you? How does your child see you in this moment? And asking these questions daily, weekly at a minimum and understand that just because you think you're doing the best and you're doing the right thing doesn't mean that your child actually agrees. These types of open conversations with your children can create beautiful long-lasting relationships with your adult children versus what seems to be normal and that's family estrangement.

Don't try to fix all your kids problems, just listen. Trying to constantly fix their hurts tells them they are wrong or something is a problem and this can be shameful to your child so exercise active listening and providing empathy while sitting on your hands with a zipped lip. Ask the question of do you want me to help or simply listen right now? Do you want me to support you in a specific way through this? This questions should be used with any relationship in your life. Imagine how profound your romantic relationships can be with these communication tools? And most importantly, know you can go back and apologize or acknowledge that you provided a solution when it wasn't warranted if it happens. Redos are acceptable and absolutely necessary.

The topic of parenting is ongoing and never-ending. Somethings work and others don't. One of my favorite books is "Bring Up Bebe" by Pamela Druckerman, I highly recommend opening your mind to see how others parent. Pamela writes about her experience as an American living in Paris and how she observes Parisian children and what she learns to be helpful in the French culture. Consistency is key which many Americans lack which we see in our obesity culture and chronic illness. Consistency with boundaries is important.

Also please note that you can not be perfect and I do not write these blogs to enforce that expectations or state how easy this can be... AND also, you should not push yourself to be perfect. Parents you will make mistakes probably daily and that is OK. What isn't ok is to continue to allow your child to be alone in their existence so please consider allowing yourself to learn other options, we are never too old to pick up a new trick.