Abuse is Confusing

Abuse. Domestic Violence (DV). Intimate Partner Violence (IPV). Assault.

So many terms to describe the depths of psychological, emotional, and physical pain we can suffer at the hand of another, often our romantic partner/spouse.

Many clients come to me confused as to how they "got here". "How did I let it get this far" they say over and over as they often fidget with their hands, tears in their eyes with a far distant look. They want to know how to fix it but the truth is they can't. Abuse is confusing, one moment we are lusting over this person, then we are in love and then we are terrified, a shell of ourselves and it seems to happen so fast yet it can last for years.

I would like to clarify before I begin that this is not a stereotype against men, I am speaking from facts which state that statistically speaking, 41% of women compared to 26% of men reported experiencing IPV in the United States (according to the CDC's 2022 data) and in 2015, the National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey showed that 1 in 4 women compared to 1 in 9 men reported being in a violent relationship.

1 in 4 women yet we still find ourselves confused as to how it happens so let me lend some validation for the how and remind you that you are not alone, clearly. Abusive relationships are sadly so normal that I want to bring light to such a dark topic because if women can see the commonality there is hope that they will walk away sooner which can, in turn, save their life.

If what I am about to share below is jarring, it sounds too familiar, please seek help whether it is a local women's shelter, a close friend or family member, me or other therapists in your area, or the authorities if you are safe to. If you do not feel safe, please note you can text "START" to 88788 or go to www.thehotline.org to speak to support at the National DV Hotline, there is a quick escape button and no stored history.

Abuse IS Confusing.... Confusion does different things to us, it can make us angry to be confused, it can cause us to freeze, fawn or fight. Confusion in abusive relationships often is what keeps us stuck however and many of us are confused as to why. How does this guy who is so charming and witty, gosh he makes you laugh and he is so sexy, how can this same guy that you showed off to all of your friends and eventually brought home to your family be the same man who calls you a bi**h behind your back and tells you that you are fat and worthless to your face before you leave to meet said friends or go to work for the day. How can this guy be so awesome out in public with his own friends who love him and think he is the greatest be the same man behind closed doors who shoved your head into the passenger seat window after a day golfing and drinking because you embarrassed him in front of the fellas by stating he had drank too much or maybe you showed up late to pick him up because you know he isn't really fun to be around anymore after the last fight.

The next morning he apologizes, maybe even that same night he is so remorseful for his actions and can't believe what he did so he hugs you and tries to initiate sex and tells you how much he loves you and thinks you are so beautiful and he just gets a little mad you when embarrass him or make him look stupid... You ignore his back handed comments because he just said he loved you. He looks really sad, maybe you see the tears and you know he has had such a tough upbringing or maybe a bad last relationship so you allow his behavior to be excused.

You maybe then have a few good days and feel like he really was sorry, maybe its even several good weeks or months.

You feel hopeful it was a fluke and you aren't one of "those" women so you act like you guys are just fine, the best couple! Maybe you continue on planning the move in together, maybe the wedding, maybe you get pregnant! It is all fine until he sees you smile at the waiter at the restaurant and that evening he grabs you by the arm and tells you what a wh**e you are, how he gives you everything so he back hands you across the face when you try to defend yourself because you are so confused as to what just happened to make him this upset. The next day you bring it up but he tells you that you shouldn't have been flirting with the waiter and you can't believe he literally just made it your fault that he assaulted you like you actually DESERVED that?! You are so confused and shaking, you feel scared and uneasy from these interactions so you reach out to your girlfriends or sister, or maybe even your mom and you mention the altercations to which they can't believe it! They love him and he's been so good to you, is he stressed at work? Did you maybe flirt with that waiter without realizing? Are you guys having bad sex lately?! Are finances ok? Did you raise your voice at him first when you got home or maybe you were degrading him? They defend him so you quietly tell yourself to let it go or maybe you realize in this moment you are so embarrassed you told them and you hope they don't bring it up to him. You shut down and this is the start. The start of the cycle of abuse where you isolate further inward and pull away and he continues to win by getting you all to himself, right where he can continue to control and manipulate.

Or maybe your friend immediately in that moment tells you that you are in danger, this is not good! This is "abuse" and you can't believe what you just heard, she is ridiculous. You love him and he loves you! You live together for Christ sakes, you can't let this be abuse because maybe you have a family together, property and joint finances, the idea of this being bad is too overwhelming to process so you tell yourself its nothing. You will just avoid eye contact at restaurants, you will make sure to give him extra attention and be sexy for him.

But then it happens again, and again. He gets worse as time goes on, you slip away, your friends stop calling, your family never hears from you, he tells you how to dress, ridicules the meals you make but demands you do it all, maybe he accuses you of cheating because he is actually the unfaithful one but he gets increasingly violent in his jealousy. You are confused at how this man you fell for is capable of this. You are confused how he is so charming on the outside and yet he is this to you, this monster that nobody believes and you are dying in the depths of your aloneness and fear. The embarrassment and shame become consuming and then you feel guilty that you can't fix it, you can't be good enough to change him despite all your efforts. How did I get here.....

1 in 4 women live or have lived in this existence. This hell. Some did not make it out alive, others are still trying and several are survivors. This is not your embarrassment to feel, your shame to carry or burden to fix. You are not alone and you are worthy of a life where you know true love, most importantly from yourself. I know this is confusing and you are struggling to understand. Where ever you are on your journey, please know you do not have to walk it alone.

I will be sharing more about DV/IPV relationships in future posts. More about how they happen, why they are so common and what can be done to make a difference as well as how you can get out, notice the red flags or seek safety.