Realizing the Phone Goes Both Ways...

Before we begin: A common theme in my posts will be about family dynamics, generational trauma, how to navigate estrangement, parenting practices that have caused harm to us and ways to do it differently. I speak often about how we were raised and how it impacts us today. These are common topics in my therapy office weekly because as humans, we are surrounded by relationships from birth to death and those dynamics are messy, hurtful, joyful and loving.. the complexity of life and living it with others. So in this post, I will share a hot take on communication with those we are in relation with.

I have been pondering lately the back and forth communication that we engage in with parents, other family, friends etc and how often it becomes one sided. When you look at your text threads and see you are the first person who is saying "hello, how are you" time after time, when the call history shows you made every first phone call in the last year or more. That begins to weigh on your mind. That energy you pour into people you care for begins to deplete when you pour into them and they aren't pouring back.

I believe in recognizing that we grow apart and it is OK.. period. Can we make it more acceptable to say look, we aren't as close as we were or our friendship no longer serves us in the way it did. We have people in our lives for a reason and a season. Sometimes the reason is they were our college roommate so we stayed friends for four years, they were that friend we partied with at 21, they were there for us when a friend or family member died and the season of grief had us seeking their comfort... the list is endless. The reason and season's may be 3 months, 4 years, two decades but eventually we may fall apart and in that falling apart we make space for something new.

There is no shame, no guilt to be felt in recognizing people can drift apart and its ok to confront it or you can simply let it go. For some of us, we like to be direct and say hey I appreciate what we had but I don't feel the same anymore. Others we simply stop responding to their texts or invites to hang out. What is not ok is continuing to harbor resentment because you keep trying and they do not. You keep putting in the effort and it is not matched which causes you anger, anxiety, outbursts, heartbreak etc. It is not ok to continue to punish yourself so something has to change. You confront it or you let it fade. We can NOT pour from an empty cup, you will hear me say this often. Surrounding ourselves with people who equally fill us up is so important so letting go of those who don't so you can make room for those who do, that is winning at life baby! That is maturing, that is self awareness and growth.

There is a personal belief of mine that in our 20's and 30's we are so busy trying to get through college, marriage, finding a career, building a life and a home and a savings account that we look for people to call us. (Hot Take) We should expect our parents and grandparents to be the ones calling because at their age in their late 50's and on, they have (most likely) accrued more vacation time, they have reached retirement age or are working less hours so in my opinion, they should reach out to say hey, call me when you can, when you have time off, when the kids are sleeping, when you feel like having a chat. Parents over and over again allow their ego, their pride to get in the way and they say "well I am your mother so you should come to me" and I find this so ignorant because if they reflected how life was at their age in their 20's, 30's, 40's they would most likely see a time where life was chaos. They got up for work and barely made a meal for themselves while packing a lunch for themselves or others, they went to work from 8-5, then came home to get dinner ready, mow the lawn or do a load of laundry, feed any animals, do any homework and find time to exercise, eat or sit and rest before bed. The grind is hard because we are all working to reach retirement in this country. We are living for the weekend and when the weekend comes, we are doing anything possible to rest, relax, meal prep, clean, catch up or have fun! So parents, grandparents, reach out to your adult children. Make the call, the text and don't be offended when it is not answered, keep trying.

To the young parent, the 20-something college student, the career man trying to bust his ass on the corporate ladder, know it is OK to respond to the call or text and say hey, I don't have time to talk right now but I appreciate you reaching out. Ignoring it is not the move, lying isn't the move. Not opening the message or the Snapchat because you don't wish to engage with them is NOT the move. Lets give permission to reply with "not today".